Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
