I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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