I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
