Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
