Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
