my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
