She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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