I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
