I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
