i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize