i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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