Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
