i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
