Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
