well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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