Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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