my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
