I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
