she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
