The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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