I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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