Just took my morning after pill in the library
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
