and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
