I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
