her facebook's as public as her vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
