I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
