when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
