she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
