i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
