Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
