omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
