Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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