Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize