he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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