your parents love me but you hate me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
