When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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