one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
