I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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