I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
