Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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