toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
