I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
someone owes me an orgasm
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize