All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
