Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
