i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
