I will die if light touches me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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