Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
