Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
