he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just found puke in my bra..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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