So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
