I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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