Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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