fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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