so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
