why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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