just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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