when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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