Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
