I just pynch a tree in the face
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
