Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize