she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
